Home » Progress » Art » Like Glass (Rewrite)

Like Glass (Rewrite)

Heated to glowing liquid,
you form yourself
with proximate air —
sometimes artisan breath, loosed —
considering character and function
through moments damaged
by your errant filter.

Erring. Errant. You loved
the shiny things you didn’t see
but dreamed of out of their clothes
as you burned their skin
with white-hot, focused affection
and dirges masquerading as
hymns to her soul,
then hers,
then mine.

I loved your truest art before noticing the burn,
your blinded psyche on my tortured soul,
burn magnified by sunlight you praised but could not see.

You composed hymns that rang true in self images
aching from their own afflictions.
They were convinced though you are a separate world turning,
living here
with haphazard awareness
of skin seared by your deed or anyone’s,
or the creeping cold following as you love
through painful filter.
What you don’t know shatters you.

As your pieces scattered,
glittering in intermittent light,
your shiny things struggled, each in their own time,
in varying states,
each one burned before she knew
and living to tell,
each left holding a brittle, cooled shard
we can never expunge,
whether we want it or not,
none of us left with a whole to understand
or fortify a future on bare feet.

Perhaps you are barest among us,
vacillating, again molten.
Pained reflection and splintered facts
alter your shape, though it still favors the old,
as a shiny thing passes and pauses to hear
you beckon her trust with a new hymn,
composed in fresh markings and exhalations,
your expectant prayers, for art’s sake
and a life lived in the one fluid piece that you dream.

May this one continue to shine, unfiltered.
I want to hate her, and you,
as I am here bleeding from
life’s cruel reason, shown to me.
She watched as I tried, saw my tears, listening close enough to touch —
but instead, I’ll pretend to save myself,
and pray that her belief in secret magic be rewarded,
despite the advantage only she has had, which she ignores,
her knowledge of me burnt, shard in hand.

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “Like Glass (Rewrite)

  1. Ah, yes, I like this one more, and perhaps your meaning is clearer. A couple of thoughts;
    …do you need the comma after “see” – second line/second verse ?
    And….fourth verse, penultimate line “your painful filter” ? Or maybe that will change the tone, I’ve just realised.

      • The thing is, in a modern world, absolutley accurate punctuation is not essential, in my view. You can have clauses – sub-clauses – speech etc. marked how you like. Sentences, or phrases that end with a full stop, don’t always have verbs these days. But as they say, if you know the rules, then you know which ones you are breaking or bending. My suggestions were mainly prompted by flow. But flow is subjective anyway so stick to your guns if you are happy with it. As Tony said a while back, we don’t have to analyse the soul out of it. 🙂

      • Part of me is a stickler for the punctuation rules I know intuitively, because I hate it when I’m reading something and can’t figure out how the writer wants me to do it. It’s like trying to cross a busy street without a stoplight. But I do see what you mean, Al.

        And about the flow — as I re-read this before posting it, I realized I had to read it verrry slow (like Meryl Streep would, I swear!) and then it would make perfect sense. It made me wonder how many times I should have read someone else’s poem way slower than I would’ve wanted. Then I wondered if it made sense for me to write things that benefitted most from that investment of the reader’s time. In the end I did exactly what you and Tony said. I stopped the excess back and forth, and just let it be.

  2. Hmmm. From this version, I get the sense of a former lover speaking to the person who left her (who is maybe an artist of some kind, or whose love appears to be a kind of artistry) (who leaves all the ‘shiny things’ in due time) and moved on to the next girl (the next shiny thing). The former lover is still hurt, but doesn’t wish that hurt on another, causing for the wish

    May this one continue to shine, unfiltered.
    I want to hate her, and you,

    • Thanks for taking another look, Jessie. I’m going to let the poem rest for a while, but I believe a lot of what you saw in yesterday’s version is still there. You would understand better than a lot of other people, the meaning in some of what I was trying to say. I was using the word art figuratively. Like the word burn, which is a very scary word for me, but it was the only one that fit so I bit the bullet, so to speak.

      Thanks again for reading these. I really appreciate it.

  3. I like this…a lot. Will come back to do it justice with a well-thought through comment. Moving. Packing. Time-starved. I love your poetry, LadySparks. I haven’t read the original yet. Can’t wait. Will comment. Virtual love sent. 🙂

  4. I agree with Single Malt about punctuation not being essential. Priscilla Long talks about using punctuation to mirror the flow of the sentence rather than sticking to what is grammatically correct. I think that is very true in poetry because the form seems to have more freedom in allowing punctuation to enhance the words. Nice piece.

    • I’m always thinking about emphasis, pauses and full stops. That’s what guides me most. We can’t always keep a reader from having to go back to the beginning of a sentence because the ‘street signs’ didn’t work right for them the first time, but I think of punctuation as lessening that. Especially in poetry, I try to think of what my voice sounds like in my head as I compose. I think I remember an interview with a poet that you did a while back, where she was talking about her take on this sort of thing.

      As to this piece, it’s still giving me a headache even though it seems to be done. I hate these feelings and the darkness that I can’t do anything about, and I hate that writing about it didn’t help.

  5. I don’t know a darn thing about poetry but the imagery is trippy which I like, I’d say if you’re not happy with it, tear the darn thing to shreds and do what you want with it. That’s my philosophy on art, if we don’t like it we make it our plaything. 😉

    (Sorry, hope that made sense).

    • I hear what you’re saying Amelie. But I am “happy” with this poem, though that’s the wrong word. It’s an extremely sad story and the only way I could express what I felt about a certain situation. What’s vexing about it is that it doesn’t communicate so well. I didn’t mean for it to be a puzzle. It’s been a lesson for me to remember as a writer as I try to move on.

I love it when you talk to me ...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s