Sometimes they’ll put a little food money on your card right away if they know it’s coming to you and you’re out. It’s best not to count on that happening.
I spent yesterday in bed and didn’t eat. The not eating part is good. I’m still upset and don’t have an appetite, but I know I could get dizzy without something in my stomach before going to the public aid office, so I had a peanut butter sandwich with black tea because I’m out of milk. It didn’t taste as weird as I thought it would.
I couldn’t sleep much yesterday or last night, just a few naps until it got dark. After that I watched TV, curled into a ball under the covers, trying to forget what I had to do today, and not forgetting it for a second. It’s bothering me more than usual this time.
A one hundred word story did come to me, well a new angle on one already written. I don’t know why it came, but I jotted it down on paper just before watching Charlie Rose interview Frank Langella. As I listened to them talk about his new book and his thoughts on acting, I had the strange and intense feeling that Mr. Langella would understand me as an artist. That doesn’t mean he would, or that he’d even value my work. But it’s how I felt. Perhaps it shows how desperate I get for that feeling when my world feels like it’s falling into tiny pieces. Someday I hope I can get Mr. Langella’s book. It sounds wonderful.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. It’s not making me feel better, but I decided to do it before leaving and I’m going with it. If they put something on my card, I can justify riding the train downtown because that’s where the store I prefer is. I feel a little better when I can go downtown or somewhere different from where I live and just walk around and be out. The area I live in is tolerable and sometimes fine if you have money and know you aren’t stuck, but it’s a depressing place to be if you don’t, at least for me. If I can’t get any food money, I’ll have to come home and wait and do the best I can. Either way, I hope I can get it together and focus on my project. I need to do that. I want to do better than I did yesterday.