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Writer, Actor, Artist

Sometimes they’ll put a little food money on your card right away if they know it’s coming to you and you’re out. It’s best not to count on that happening.

I spent yesterday in bed and didn’t eat. The not eating part is good. I’m still upset and don’t have an appetite, but I know I could get dizzy without something in my stomach before going to the public aid office, so I had a peanut butter sandwich with black tea because I’m out of milk. It didn’t taste as weird as I thought it would.

I couldn’t sleep much yesterday or last night, just a few naps until it got dark. After that I watched TV, curled into a ball under the covers, trying to forget what I had to do today, and not forgetting it for a second. It’s bothering me more than usual this time.

A one hundred word story did come to me, well a new angle on one already written. I don’t know why it came, but I jotted it down on paper just before watching Charlie Rose interview Frank Langella. As I listened to them talk about his new book and his thoughts on acting, I had the strange and intense feeling that Mr. Langella would understand me as an artist. That doesn’t mean he would, or that he’d even value my work. But it’s how I felt. Perhaps it shows how desperate I get for that feeling when my world feels like it’s falling into tiny pieces. Someday I hope I can get Mr. Langella’s book. It sounds wonderful.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. It’s not making me feel better, but I decided to do it before leaving and I’m going with it. If they put something on my card, I can justify riding the train downtown because that’s where the store I prefer is. I feel a little better when I can go downtown or somewhere different from where I live and just walk around and be out. The area I live in is tolerable and sometimes fine if you have money and know you aren’t stuck, but it’s a depressing place to be if you don’t, at least for me. If I can’t get any food money, I’ll have to come home and wait and do the best I can. Either way, I hope I can get it together and focus on my project. I need to do that. I want to do better than I did yesterday.


20 thoughts on “Writer, Actor, Artist

  1. Darn it Sparks, I wish we could hang out and have a coffee sometime. I get discouraged like this sometimes as well. I had times in my life when I was out of food, and it is not a good situation. You deserve so much better. I think your art will flourish, and in the meantime I hope you don’t get too down. I do love that you came up with a Words One Hundred out of the blue, you have a great mind.

  2. Oh Sparks. The working situation sounds really dire where you live. Is there nothing at all for smart and lovely chick to do? Are they helping you with your resume and job hunt and all that, or are you completely on your own with the whole thing? A woman’s got to eat!

    • It’s hard around here for people who actually have skills. I have access to an employment support program that’s full of people with good degrees, specific skills and loads of experience who can’t find work. My resume is awful compared to ones with less than that. I’ve been told I have a better chance of making money with my writing than I do with the other skills I have because it’s the thing I’m passionate about and those are the skills I can prove better on a resume. I’ve spent a lot of time out of the job market over the years for reasons that would take a long post to explain. Getting the job at the cosmetics company that shall not be named, was the fluke I couldn’t turn into steady employment.

  3. Hi Sparks,

    I’m sorry to hear that your struggle continues. Have you considered going to a food bank? Or, is there a church nearby that can assist you? You are a wonderfully, talented artist and a gem but you need brain food. There should be additional resources to help you during this difficult time. I’ve also heard about community college retraining programs. Will look for info for you.

    Sending you love, hugs and perseverance.


  4. LadySparks,
    It SHALL get better! Keep on writing about whatever you want to write about. Better out than in, I say. I know that this is a difficult period, but my faith tells me that this is a season that will soon come to an abrupt end.

    Separately, I love how you captured that small, unspoken exchange of empathy and understanding (that metaphysical connection) that you felt from Langella. There are few people that I feel that way about, as though they would get the complexity of emotions that I wrestle with, or my trajectory. It’s a soul-spirit thing that is hard to put into words.

    • Thanks for the positive view of the future, Ms. Empress. I’m trying to think positively too. Thanks for the kind words of understanding about that feeling I had. I wasn’t sure I had shared it very well.

  5. It’s hard to comment. When you tell the truth about what is happening right now, I find myself struggling for words. Words that aren’t patronizing, that don’t miss the point, that don’t state the obvious or sound hollow. Thank you for telling the truth.

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