It’s almost ten in the evening, I haven’t been home long and I still have to empty the cat box before going to bed, but I think I need to write this down. I haven’t told anyone I know yet, but this afternoon at about 3:35 or 3:40, I was on a bus with a lot of other people when we heard gunshots. About four gunshots close by. I don’t know why I looked out the side window behind me, but I did and I saw an angry young man’s face. He came closer to the bus and I ducked down like everyone else around me, some on the floor, all of us with our bodies close together, huddling and not knowing. I heard the angry man hit at the side of the bus probably with his fist, as we went past, and afterword some of the teenagers on the bus said they thought someone was aiming at someone else across the street and the bus got in the way. We were all lucky that none of us were hit either.
When we felt it was safe, those of us who had been seated straightened up again, and some of the men helped a couple of women up off the floor. The bus driver yelled out to see if everyone was okay. The teenagers got loud with their reactions, some laughing, and I became strangely aware that I was staring into space. Maybe all of us who were quiet were doing the same thing, I don’t know. I tried to turn my head and focus on something, but I just stared into another point of space. I was aware of the people around me and something about where we were, but I also felt oddly blank, unimportant and pointless, like I couldn’t do anything or control anything. I stared for a long time, and I felt stupid.
Other things that I’d rather not talk about here, happened today that reinforced that feeling of lacking control, but tonight while I was washing a couple of dishes at my kitchen sink and beginning to cry, I remembered that I could write this down.